By Design

I’ve been exposed to the phrase “living your authentic self” through television, books and friends.

It wouldn’t be authentic of me to say that it didn’t confuse me. I guess I understand the idea, but the process is a little harder to grasp. It’s not easy to crawl out from under all the layers of self lies or the expectations placed by society. And from what I’ve experienced, “society” can mean as big as the world or as small as your own family. The size of the group does not determine the depth of damage.

We’re encouraged to dissect the labels that we place on ourselves. To go through them individually and determine if they help us or hurt us. To determine why they are there to begin with. Did we put them there or did someone else? Others may project their expectations onto us, but we’re guilty for naming them and allowing them to define us.

Like you, throughout my life I have experienced the pressure from other people’s expectations.

They expect me to be a certain way… good or bad. And I’m sure like you, I feel that I’ve been a constant disappointment. I don’t consider myself a people pleaser, but I do care how the people in my life feel about me. And often I place my own expectations onto them by assuming their feelings. Putting my misguided thoughts into their heads. And since it’s not always accurate, this creates a bad cycle of foolish behavior. I guess this means that owning the real me and giving back others the freedom of their own feelings will end the cycle and be a step towards becoming my authentic self.

Not sure how easy that is to do.

I am a person with dreams, goals, desires and needs, but at a young age I decided to rob myself. As a child I decided that it was better to take tiny baby steps instead of defining and focusing on what I truly want. Test the waters. Don’t make huge waves. Sneak in and if it feels wrong, sneak out. Go unnoticed. I told myself that when you enter with a bang, all eyes are on you and your mistakes are magnified. Exposed for all to judge, dissect and label. I thought remaining under the radar was the smart thing to do. It wasn’t.

I tend to be attracted to people who are daring. Spontaneous. Go getters. Not just in my love life, but in friends as well. They make me nervous, but it’s a good nervous. I’m drawn to their freedom. Their bravery. The way they do things without always having to mentally list the pros and cons. They don’t test the waters… they jump in. And often they’ll grab my hand before the big splash. Sometimes I’ll willingly jump with them, but I always hold my nose.

Maybe I’ve digressed from my “authentic self” topic. But then, maybe I haven’t.

There are all types of people. And just because someone is willing to take a chance and I’m not, doesn’t mean they have it all figured out. That they somehow hold the key to life long happiness that I’ve been searching for. I guess to live my own authentic life would be to accept the way I am. The way I’m built. The way I’m designed. To not view it as a weakness, but as my character. But then there’s always the argument of whether or not it was placed there at birth or if it was placed there by life experiences. Internalizing other people’s actions or words.

Why can’t we allow our positive experiences be our life compass? Why do we latch onto the negative? If someone allows the positive experiences be their guide, does that mean they automatically live an authentic life? If they are generally happy and love their life, does that mean they don’t have to walk through the hard stuff like the rest of us? At what point are you able to look in the mirror and know you are authentic? Maybe I’m too busy looking for the on switch and I just need to realize that it’s a life long process. An inconsistent process that can be constantly conflicting. For someone who aches for security, unpredictability isn’t good news.

Once again… I have more questions than answers.

However, I can authentically say that always having a list of questions is part of my character. I may not always ask them out loud in conversations, but they are always circling in my head. This blog just surfaces a small percentage of mine regarding this particular topic. If I keep going, a novel might break out. Maybe one day I’ll ask the right questions to the right person and learn all the hidden truths.

If so, be confident that I’ll be back here sharing the knowledge.