Leathol Weapon

It’s no secret.

I’m in love with chocolate. I openly admit it to anyone who will listen. I consider chocolate my one food group and everything else as just an appetizer.

I’m not a chocolate snob. I’ll eat any kind of chocolate. Chocolate snobs only eat high priced chocolate, where as I am an equal rights for all chocolate kind of gal. I do not judge the average Snickers bar. I will not push aside a Twix. I will not roll my eyes at a generic chocolate Easter Bunny. No. They are all the same in my eyes. Chocolate.

The other day at work I was hankerin’ for something chocolate. Anything. It was like a wave of emotion that consumed me and no matter how hard I concentrated at my work, it would not go away. I’ve even been known to steal a chocolate bar from Mr. Boss Man’s office. His secretary accidentally let it slip that he keeps a stash of the good stuff hidden. I haven’t confessed to Mr. Boss Man my sins of stealing – and I don’t plan on it. I don’t plan on telling anyone. The thought of knowing his sweet secret somehow makes me feel like I have one up on him. Ok, plus I’m afraid that he’ll find a new hiding place.

So the other day I’m dying for some chocolate and I can’t seem to shake it. I’m at my desk desperately trying to self-hypnotize with my computer monitor when I overwhelmingly belt out from the bottom of my lungs, “I NEED CHOCOLATE!!!” …no reply. No words coming back to me. It was as if I was the only one who cared about my body entering the starvation mode. Ok, so maybe I was the only one who cared. I at least expected a “Shut Up”, but nooooo.

Ten minutes later I’m still sitting there daydreaming about chocolate. Thinking silently “If I could have any chocolate in the whole world, what would it be?” I made mental plans of fulfilling my chocolate fantasy just as soon as I was able to break free from work. And I was excited.

And then SHE walks into my office.

A co-worker. A woman who not only heard my loud chocolate plea, but knew the seriousness behind it. Someone who I think would be on my side. Helping me fight the battle. Cheering me on. Understanding my God-given womanly chocolate desires, as well as knowing the consequences if they didn’t get fulfilled.

SHE slithers into my office, makes direct eye contact with me and slowly exposes her evil weapon. SHE has the unmitigated nerve to enter my jail cell with a Wendy’s Frosty in one hand and a taunting spoon in the other. SHE advances towards me in a smooth calculating way… while taking big seductive bites of her chocolate ploy. I wanted to smack that Cheshire grin right off her freakin face. I now feel like we are two lionesses with one freshly killed animal between us and absolutely nothing stopping one of us from winning. I took on this challenge.

“You’re such a bitch.”

I meant it with every chocolate-starving-fiber in me. Her eyes widened and then she suddenly bursts into laughter. What? I ain’t playing, missy. I meant it. Now hand over the Frosty nice and easy before things start to get ugly.

She’s laughing uncontrollably.

Just before she became another co-worker death statistic, I realize that I’ve been had. I was the object of a down right mean joke. Turns out someone brought Frosties for all the “office gals”. All of them. Me included. She said she heard my loud chocolate plea and just wanted to play a joke by trying to piss me off.

Well, ain’t she stinkin hilarious...