You're not that good-looking, but in the dark I won't notice.

I’m not a fan of pressure.

Those who personally know me have heard me say this a million times. It’s usually brought up during an interrogation conversation about how I’m not dating anyone. About how I don’t make myself available. About how I’m “too this” or “too that.” About how I need to be more aggressive when it comes to meeting people. Everyone has their opinions on how to help the poor single gal out.

I realize that I’m desperate, but the question is how desperate.

Sometimes being a 36 year old single female makes me feel like I’m viewed as a science project. I’m examined, studied, poked, prodded and turned upside down and inside out. My “no man” status is deliberated. My flaws are dissected, placed in a petri dish and presented to an open forum.

These repeated conversations only result in me getting defensive. I wouldn’t mind it if I was offered new answers. New solutions. New view point. Somehow pointing out my insecurities for the thousandth time only makes them magnify. Making me retreat even further behind my brick wall with a big bucket of mortar for damage control purposes and an ungodly amount of chocolate that would last most people a year.

I’ve been given several solutions to my singleness.

Everywhere from solo bar hopping to online dating to the produce section of the grocery store. Can’t it be easier than this? Have my dating options dwindled down to a bag of seedless grapes? Is leaning alone against a bar trying to look sexy – when the truth is I’m incredibly self conscious – my only resort? Is uploading my photo, coming up with a clever profile as if I’m selling a product, and meeting men for 15 minute intervals at Starbucks the only way to find someone?

Meeting people was easier in my 20’s. We were all single back then. Groups of single people knew other groups of single people. Now that I’m reaching my (cough cough) late 30’s, I find it more difficult to meet men. I can’t help to think that for centuries people have managed to meet each other through less desperate measures. Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy. It’s all so complicated now.

Of course, it doesn’t help that I’m attracted to emotionally unavailable men.

I’m sure a psychotherapist would have a field day with that. I continually find myself going down a dead end road. I see the signs. They’re there. Right in my face. I even read the signs, but then I say, “Becca, you’re wrong. You need to be more optimistic.”

But I find that optimism can be another word for just being blind.

Maybe because it’s the beginning of a new year, but I’ve found myself having multiple conversations lately about dating. The last one being just this afternoon with a friend who has found himself single in his mid 40’s. He has succumbed to the social pressures and has headed down that road of online dating in full force. He’s met several lovely ladies, but no one who he would consider a good enough catch. We discussed the pro’s and con’s of this seemingly desperate act for companionship and we came to the conclusion that you must go into it with little or no expectations.

After our 1.5 hour conversation, I had an “ah ha” moment. Maybe it was more like my desperation and my analytical mind clashing together into what most people would call an epiphany. Not sure if it was something he said, but I decided that I would join him. Dive into the scary cold waters of this thing called online dating.

The truth is…. I’ve done it before.

It’s been several years, and it wasn’t through the “respectable” services which are now available. I met three or four guys and they were… well… freaky. These pathetic experiences aided in my anxiety for meeting people through the computer.

But no matter how unnatural or uneasy it feels, I decided that my desperation was high enough to give one of the popular dating sites a trial run. Put all my inhibitions aside. Look past my experiences and pretend that I never met those freaky people. I answered all the appropriate questions. I offered my personal stats. I said what I was looking for in a man. I was completely realistic and honest. I even wrote up a witty profile description. Then I hit “submit” and crossed my fingers. And do you know what it said?

“Sorry! We have not identified any matches for your review. Consider expanding your preferences to include a wider range of potential matches.”

What??? No WAY am I going to expand my preferences! You have GOT to be kidding me. Wondering if I somehow messed up, I reviewed my preferences. Nope. They’re all good. Everything I want in a man. Submit. Same crappy response.

What’s so sad is I feel like I wasn’t being picky. I was being realistic. I thought I was pretty liberal in my choices. Apparently not. I’m sure if it had asked, “Does your match need to be emotionally unavailable?” then I would have hit the dating jackpot.

As I sit here eating my comfort food of choice – chocolate – I’ve continually hit the “refresh” button, but it still says no. Notta. In fact, I could swear it said,

“You will never find a man. You are hopeless. There is no one in central Arkansas that meets your requirements. You are better off settling for freaky people in chat rooms.”

Great. Maybe I’ll go hit the produce section. I hear there’s a sale on seedless grapes.