As My World Turns

My life changed yesterday. The boundaries that I had strategically placed are now broken. Busted through. Fallen debris of rules and regulations are scattered around me in a million pieces. I have gone mad. Wild. And I don’t think my life will ever be the same.

I now have a fully functional television with satellite and Tivo in my bedroom.

So how long HAS it been since I’ve had the ability to watch television in my bedroom? Let’s see… probably the mid 80’s. It may have been right when Joanie confessed her love for Chachi that I ended my love affair with bed-viewing television. I think it had something to do with the fact that we had this-new-thing-called-cable in the den… along with this way-futuristic-technology called a VCR. This made the TV set up in my bedroom boring. Bland. It wasn’t as coooool as our new cutting edge system in the den. I started to scoff at my mangled up rabbit ears. They were no good for me now.

There’s a new man in town and there’s no more room for you and your static, buddy boy.

Even though that was the beginning of my anti-tv-bedroom movement, I believe it slowly developed into a totally different thing. During pajama parties with friends or sleepovers at a boyfriend’s, I noticed that I was not able to fall asleep while the TV was on. Maybe it’s not that I couldn’t fall asleep, but rather that I couldn’t stop watching it. Make sense? I will keep my eyes open with toothpicks if that means finishing a show. I don’t want to miss something. Some vital information to the plot could be revealed… and if I’m asleep, I’ll miss it.

Last year I purchased a bigger/better TV for my den which brought my Tivo experience to a whole new unbelievable level. Since the replaced TV was still in excellent condition, I decided to put it in the bedroom to collect dust. There it has sat.

Until now…

When my friend Darrell upgraded to a HD DVR the other day, this freed up his Tivo receiver. For an incredibly small fee, his discarded machine now belongs to me. I can’t express my – how sad – excitement. He came over yesterday and hooked me all up.

This meant even crawling commando style underneath my house. Darrell tried to convince my two outdoor dogs to enter first into the dark, scary, narrow space, but they just sat there… looking at him as if saying, “No way, buddy. You go first and then we might think about it.” As if he lost a bet, he took his flashlight and started to head in.

I think it was at this point that I said to him, “Look. If you scream for help, I’m sorry, but I’m not going in to get you. You’ll just have to figure something else out.”

With Darrell’s legs dangling out from underneath my house, I couldn’t help but to have an overwhelming desire to put pretty ruby slippers on his feet. While fighting spider webs and other creepy crawly things, I don’t think he found me funny when I called him the Wicked Witch of the East. Oh, what a sad world when I’m the only one who appreciates my humor.

My dog Rock finally took the dare and ran in, but stuck closely to her human friend. Apparently she was so moved by this new experience, she showed her appreciation by repeatedly kissing Darrell all over his face. Now I’m sure as you move inch by inch, slithering through narrow passages, fearing snakes and dead things, the last thing you need is a dog licking your face. Through the outside vents, I could hear my friend patiently saying, “Ok. Rock. I love you, too. Ok. Thank you. Ok.”

ChaCha and I stood outside the tiny portal, clutching our purses and bibles, praying for our soldiers to return from war unharmed. And they did. All in one piece. Dirty, but all in one piece.

So what am I going to do now?

I have now purposefully gone against my rules of “no TV in the bedroom.” It’s like voting republican all your life and then suddenly saying, “You know what? I’m going democrat. Hook me up.” It’s like KD Lang deciding she now likes men. Or Mother Teresa announcing in her prime that she now believes the poor really can help themselves.

My new decision – which goes against how I’ve lived all these years – is going to take some adjusting. I guess I’m now in the market for some really good under eye concealer, because this chick’s gonna have bags. And don’t even try to talk to me about the whole “TV timer” thing. It only works well if you can actually fall asleep while it’s on.

I am now also faced with the decision of which shows are to be recorded on which television. I mean… will I watch All My Children in the den or in my bedroom? How about Nip/Tuck? (never mind – Nip/Tuck gets the bedroom!) Of course now I can record way more shows since I have a whole other unit. How does one decide? I’m totally addicted to cooking shows even though I don’t cook. I always encourage myself by saying, “Yup! I can cook that! Easy!” but then never do it since cooking for one is NO fun. So Rachael Ray just might be one of my new shows.

Of course, you realize what this all means, right? I won’t have time for sleep at all. If I’m watching TV in my bedroom and den, plus recording a slue of all new shows, there’s no TIME for sleep.

That's it. I’m quitting my job.

I always thought I had no life before, but this has really sunk me even lower. I might as well get a catheter and a mini fridge and never leave. I’ll have my laptop so I can still communicate with the outside world. Maybe I can pay someone to come over and humor me with conversation every so often… plus empty the catheter bag.

Any takers?