You can't make this stuff up

06.16.06... I'm sleeping hard. It's that really good kind of sleep. I'm checked out from reality and have no intentions on resurfacing my life until the morning. At 1:18am all of this changes.

My phone rings.

It takes me a good few seconds before I realized that the ringing was real and not some sound effect in my dream. Whenever the phone rings in the middle of the night, we all think the worse. We wonder if someone's dead or arrested. Within a matter of seconds, we conjure up all these different crazy scenarios. But never in my life have I ever thought of the scenario that was just about to come true.

Me: Hello?
My neighbor: Becca Becca Becca!!!

Just then my stupid answering machine kicks on and I have to wait until my own annoying recorded voice is finished. BEEP...

Me: What's wrong?
Her: I am soooo sorry to call you!! I need your help!! I have a moth in my ear!!!
Me: Wha? Huh? Who?
Her: A moth flew inside my ear and he's fluttering around and I can't get him out and it feels really weird and I need help!!!
Me: Wha? Huh? Say again?

After this odd conversation, I hang up the phone and stare at the very dark ceiling in a sleepy daze. Confused. Was that real? Did I dream that? I truly wasn't sure. Did she just tell me that there was a friggin moth in her ear? I managed to get out of bed and begin to work my way through the dark house. I barely miss stepping over my very old blind/deaf dog who is still sleeping soundly sprawled out in the middle of the floor. Turning on the lights would have been too easy. Plus that's something a person awake would do. I am still asleep. I finally reach the lamp in the den and I hear a panicked knock on my front door. This was confirmation that I wasn't going totally crazy. I open the door.

My neighbor frantically enters my house. In a sleepy stupor I require more confirmation of this situation... "Did you say you had a moth in your ear?" She starts going on and on about it fluttering around in her ear. She's pacing back and forth and is clearly disturbed by the whole thing. This surprises me because she is the one that I depend on in crazy situations. She's the one who removes dead things from my backyard that The Rock has killed. And now here she is in my house in panic mode. I must step up to this challenge, but I'm still asleep.

Her: Oh my God! I need you to see if you can get it out! It's fluttering around!
Me: Ok, I need a drink.

Wait... hold it right there. What? A drink? Did I actually say that? Yup. Why do I need a drink at this odd, yet crucial, moment? It's not like I need a shot of tequila or a cold beer. For some reason I can't tackle the subject before me without a swig of Crystal Light Raspberry Ice. I can only explain this by saying I am sleep walking. It was only a few minutes ago that I was on a beach in the South of France with Mel Gibson and now I'm being asked to remove a moth from someone's ear. I am so far from reality that a drink sounds appropriate.

I get back from the kitchen (drink in hand) and I find my moth infected friend bent down, hands on her knees, shaking her head from side to side muttering statements like: "I dont know what to do!" and "He's flying around!" She hands me the tweezers she had snatched from her emergency Moth-In-Ear First Aid Kit. I fetch a flashlight and peer into her ear. Nothing. I see nothing. It's just an ear. This Attack Moth had weaseled its way too far in there to see.

Now, normally this whole situation would have freaked me out. I'm generally not the one who people chose to remove flying insects from their ear. My calmness surprises me. I guess still being asleep is working in my favor. And in hers.

Especially when she says...

Her: Oh my God, I can hear him breathing! I can actually hear him breathe!

Yup. If it were 1:30pm instead of 1:30am, you would have to SCRAPE ME off the ceiling. I suggest going to the ER, but she's dead set against it. Maybe for embarrassment reasons? Understandable. Really. But I'm sure the doctors working the late shift could use a good laugh. We manage to head on over to the kitchen sink to flush her ear out with rubbing alcohol. Brilliant idea since it kills the bug. No more fluttering. No more breathing.

Even though the Attack Moth is now dead, he is still in there. We keep flushing. We keep trying to Q-tip him out, but we fail in all our attempts. Her ear canal would have to be this moth's grave yard for the night. This results in her going to the doctor the next day to have the dead thing removed.

The doctor told her that the moth was leaning up against her ear drum. ACK! I can only imagine how loud that fluttering/breathing had to have been. Right next to your ear drum? Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I've somehow lost my appetite for the next six months.

This whole experiences still seems like a dream. However, I have one major proof that it happened: my answering machine.