Innocent Until Proven Guilty

Ok, it’s time to get real here.

The vast majority of us have ex’s. Wives. Husbands. Girlfriends. Boyfriends. Lovers. They’ve burned us. They’ve left us for dead. They haven’t called. They’ve caused wounds so deep that have driven us into years of therapy.

So as a general rule, we don’t like our ex’s. There’s a reason why we’re not still with them. They’re psycho, not responsible, noncommittal, psycho, uncaring and psycho. Occasionally you’ll find that rare person who remains close friends with them, but like I said… it’s rare. And kudos to you if you’re one of them. You’ve managed to accomplish something that by social law shouldn’t be.

The issue of the day:

Why is it that we let these horrid people from our past… these lousy examples of love… these Psycho People From Hell… ruin our outlook on life, on love, on happiness?

Why do women take that immature, narcissistic, jackass and make him ruler of all men? Why do men make that psychotic, complaining hag taint his views on how women really are? These are people who waste our oxygen, but yet we give them so much emotional control over us. Because of them, we become men haters. We become bitter and doubtful that there is any woman alive that is normal.

Why do we generalize all humankind because of “them”? I’ve been guilty of it myself. However, I do feel that I’ve gotten mucho better. I don’t think all men are evil anymore. Just some of them.

This has become my current thought bubble because of a conversation I just had with a friend who has an ex-wife. I don’t know all the gruesome details of their wedded bliss, but according to him, she’s crazy and not emotionally stable. I’ve gathered that she always has these blown-out-of-proportion issues in her life that somehow seem to affect him because of their shared offspring. The thought of his impressionable children living and being cared for on such wobbly grounds, drives him up the all-women-are-freakin-crazy wall.

He’s made comments… bundling up all us women together and giving us all the same label. He’s a funny guy, so I know a certain percentage of it is in jest… but you know there is truth to his half-comedic accusations. We do this. All of us do. But whyyyyy?

I tell you, the last thing I want is to go out with a man who has pre-judged me as a carbon copy of his ex. I’m not her. I am my own self. I even have my own thumbprint to prove it. Granted, there are a lot crazy people in this world. We’ve dated or married some of them, and there are several more left we can still go through. But there are also just as much of the normal, nice, witty, sane, caring people in this world.

Why have we chosen the nutty people to invest ourselves? What is it about us that attracts the crazies, the emotionally unattached, the cheaters, the abusers, the nerds, the flakes, the stalkers… the certifiables? One right after the other, causing this imaginary proof that all women/men are the same.

When I was younger – late teens, early 20’s – it seemed like the guys that I didn’t want were the ones approaching me. My friends called me the geek magnet. One friend, who was the group’s appointed psychologist and advice guru, told me that it was because I oozed acceptance and trustworthiness. That the geeks, who normally were too afraid to approach any woman, felt like I would give them a shot because I seemed to root for the underdog. Looking back, I think she was right. I didn’t realize that was the energy I was putting out. This lasted for most of my 20’s. I think at some point I slowly changed my energy into what it is today. Of course, it’s not working for me either. Now I’m told that I’m unapproachable and aloof. Oie vey.

Shocking to no one, I digress. I began writing in defense of the normal people getting equal rights. I appointed myself Norma Rae of this particular Dating Ethics Movement and then I strayed from the picket line.

But wait…

In all the failed relationships you’ve had, there’s only one common denominator… YOU. I have a friend who is on his sixth marriage. No joke. A few weeks before the sixth “I’ll love you forever” ceremony was to take place, he told me that this one just had to work. That this one needed to be the one that would bring him life long happiness. In my best Oprah, I said that there was a reason why he’s been through six marriages and that it might be a grand idea for him to figure out what that reason is. Especially before he dumps six and moves to number seven.

Maybe we should all learn a lesson from my serial-marriage friend. The truth is that he’s only looking for love. Isn’t that what we’re all doing? Maybe we should all look at our own relationship projections. Coming to terms with what might be wrong with what we expect out of people who are not perfect. Seeing what in our past is ours to blame and what can be tossed aside as just a bad match. Maybe realizing that they actually aren’t bad people, it’s just a simple matter of clashing personalities.

Whatever.

There’s always the HIGH possibility that we’ve chosen some freakin’ losers: That ex-boyfriend who might have been tolerable if he had been on a very strong dosage of medication six times a day. That ex-wife who might not be so bad if she had a lobotomy. It’s not you, it’s them. I’m totally on your side. Remember, I’m back in the picket line and it’s going strong.

We’ve dated the losers. Even married some of them. We’ve broken up or divorced them. It’s a sad fact. But the next potential relationship that knocks on our door, let’s not look for the internal psycho just yet. Let’s not make them unknowingly carry the burden of all our bad experiences. Let’s not assume that they are needy. Believe me, their weird-not-normal attachment to their mother will surface soon enough.

And when it does, let’s just go on to the next one… because we just might pleasantly find a pretty cool person.