Pour Some Sugar on Me

Is it normal to eat an entire bag of Oreo cookies? God, I hope so.

Surely I’m not the only one stupid enough to do this. In defense, I feel moved to clarify that it was not in one sitting, but over a 24 hour period. Not sure if that makes me any less pathetic.

I bought them yesterday afternoon at the grocery store as a little “thank you” treat for my mom. She invited me over for grilled steaks last night and so I thought I would spend the big bucks on dessert. It’s the least I could do, huh?

As a kid, the best treats in the world were cookies out of a bag. Mom would buy the “high end” bag-o-cookies like Pepperidge Farm or something to the equivalent. Sure, every so often she’d go all out and bust open a box of Betty Crocker brownies, but that didn’t give you immediate chocolate gratification. I learned early in life that chocolate is the secret to life.

So I went to the store yesterday afternoon to buy groceries and I found myself in the cookie isle. Usually I stay away from it. Far away. Normally as I’m approaching the “Isle of Evil Temptation” I’ll start pushing the cart faster. It’s my way of avoiding those little Keebler Elves from hell calling out my name. It didn’t work yesterday. I heard them loud and clear as my cart swerved uncontrollably on two wheels into the isle reigned by Lucifer himself. I wonder if there are streak marks on the laminate flooring.

I stood there in stupid awe over the wide selection of cookies. It’s amazing really. I don’t know how long I was there trying to decide on what my cookie of choice would be. I felt kinda like Charlie Bucket in the Wonka factory. As soon as I made a decision, I would see something even more scrumpdeliumptious. I guess mom would be “Grandpa Joe” in this Wonka scenario.

I decided to go with something in the Oreo family. Standing there salivating, I had a flashback from several years ago of eating a fudge covered Oreo. I take my chocolate very seriously, so I knew this memory had to be true. I searched and searched, but to no avail. I could not find the wanted fudge covered Oreo. I literally sighed out loud right there from disappointment and frustration. I was forced to go with my second choice: Double Stuffed Oreo with Chocolate Crème.

I cradled the double chocolate concoction in my arms as I surveyed the remaining cookie options. I didn’t want to make the wrong selection. Finally at some point I felt good about my decision. I plopped the bag-o-evilness in my cart right next to the healthy “7 Whole Grains” bread “with no trans fat”. Uh… yup… irony is a funny thing. When I got home I put all the groceries away, but I left the bag-o-shame on the counter since I was leaving soon.

Here’s the part where I turn yet another pathetic corner. Knowing that I had chocolate in my house was so overwhelming to me, that I told myself that it would be okay if I went ahead and ate a couple. The devil himself manipulated me into thinking that taking partially eaten food as a “thank you” to someone’s house was no biggie. Damn him. As predictable as it may be, a “couple” turned into like four. Ok, fine… five. Crap. Six.

The next sad part of this already pathetic story is that I actually left the house WITHOUT the cookies. Never even thought about it until I was at my mother’s house. So when I returned, I came home to an opened bag of Oreos.

And now 24 hours later, I have an empty bag of Oreos. I will NEVER go down that “Isle of Forbidden Pleasures" ever, ever again.