Motive

I had lunch with a long time friend the other day. We met about 18 years ago in the gift wrapping department of Dillard's where we worked. We instantly became friends. We were both teenagers, full of life, in love with all the boys and even had plans of being roommates. We spent time searching for an apartment and went shopping for "like way cool stuff" to decorate it with. We each had that teenage-girl-sparkle in our eye that reflected the big huge dreams we had for ourselves.

We never moved in together, but our friendship grew as we got older. We shared our poetry with each other and even collaborated on a few pieces. She showed me her artwork which I always thought was brilliant. We partied - hard - and survived all those boys who we thought were sent from heaven who turned out to be from hell. I won't tell you all our stories. I'm not sure if you would find them funny or pathetic. Nevertheless, we have experienced a great deal together and I wouldn't trade her or those memories for all the chocolate in the world.

She's been married, divorced, remarried. She has a house full of kids - two of which are her's biologically. She still paints brilliantly and stays connected to her creative mind. I don't know if she writes anymore... I hope she does. She knows that she can tell me anything - and she does. I'm not a counselor, but sometimes a friend is even better.

So we had lunch the other day at Lenny’s. My favorite sandwich shop. The lady who is normally at the register wasn’t there this day. I wonder if she’s okay. Maybe she just had the day off. It was pouring rain. Pouring. We left our umbrellas leaned against the front window creating a puddle of water on the floor. We silently chuckled every time one of the umbrellas would slip to the floor when someone opened the door.

We sat there with our hot sandwiches and updated each other on our lives – all within the 60 minutes that we were alowed away from work. We talked about her husband’s traveling and how difficult it is being the only parent in the house for days at a time. How your brain gets scrambled and you tend to lose yourself in between all the after-school activities, homework and a full time job. How a maid would be nice, but it costs money. She talked about how tiring it is when it’s 9pm at night and you’ve just sat down and breathed for the first time. She’s a good mom. I see the sacrifice. I see her doing her best with her young children and a horrible ex-husband who doesn’t seem to understand how to parent. Who causes her grief in ways that I can’t go into. I see it all and wish there was something I can do. But maybe listening is the best thing she needs.

She listens to me as well. While our 60 minutes was ticking away too fast, we talked about my single life and how it sucked. I talked about how difficult it is dating in my mid 30’s. Finding someone with real passion and a good heart. I told her “it’s just never going to happen.” But inside I was thinking that it’s just got to.

She said something very interesting to me. I told her that I didn’t want to be one of those people who were always looking. I said that I’m not the type to go to the grocery store in hopes to find a man. I’m not the type to hang out in a certain establishment with the motive of finding forever love. “Motive” was apparently my word for the day because I used it several times in those 60 minutes. Over and over with different colorful words before and after. Motive. I didn’t want my motive to be to find someone to love me.

I don’t remember word for word her response. Mainly because it didn’t sink into my thick skull until much later. It’s times like this when I wish we could Tivo conversations and play it back later for more accuracy. She probably had no clue that she was saying something profound. She didn’t know that I was going to feel her words way deeper than they were given. She looked at me. She said that she understood what I was saying, but that sometimes when we concentrate too much on what our motives are NOT, it block us from seeing what things could be. If we focus heavily on what we DON’T want to be, that it causes us to avoid what we do.

Wow. Like I said, I don’t remember her exact words that I’m sure just flew from her mouth without any thought. However, that’s what I heard. That was my interpretation long after our 60 minutes were up. That’s what I’m reflecting on. And you know what?

She’s right.